I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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