I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
