I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Life is so much better after having sex.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
