then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
