I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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