Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
