Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
