Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
