Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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