She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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