Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish they made helmets for livers.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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