i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
