i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
