I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
