you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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