Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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