I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize