Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
