So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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