Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
