I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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