I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
