yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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