I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
