Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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