we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
