Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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