I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
