Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
