I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
