I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
