I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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