I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
