I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
