It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
