if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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