planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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