Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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