20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
