omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
