i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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