Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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