I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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