if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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