i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
