if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
