Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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