listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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