You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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