Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soap is not a condiment
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My vagina just recognized that song.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
