The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
