No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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