I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
