I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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